May 192005

Crazy Birds!

So Mike and his whole house are at E3 in LA right now. They asked me if I could watch and feed their pets. I’m fine with that. Ones a cat, there are a few small birds and then there is Rooster.. Who is locked behind 1/4 inch iron bar I thought I was safe.

So I fed the cat, that was easy. I feed the little birds, all is good. I open the water door for Rooster, and wait.. I haven’t told you what a Rooster is!! Rooster is a 3 1/2 foot Parrot/killer bird. He only likes Mike and be damned the rest of the world.

So there I was, in the bathroom cleaning his water bowl and filling it up. I turn to walk back into Mikes bedroom and HOLY FUCK! there is this huge bird that was once inside the cage, on the outside.. He’s holding a chain in his beak that is on the top of the cage and tossing it around. (most likely thinking he could do this to my testicles if given the chance. I will admit, for a brief moment I was a little frightend for my life, or at least special parts of it that stick out.

I’ve never seen Rooster outside his cage, only heard stories of the children gone missing, the other pets who now only live in our memories, so I called Mike.
“Yo Mike! What the fuck dawg, your bird fit through the tiny water dish hole and now he wants to break my head off” I told him. Mike then gave me a plan.
“Lure the bird in to the cage” he said. Well let me tell you when your living through the T-Rex scene in Jurassic Park and you see this EYE just looking at you with all this hate.. you fear… oh yes.

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. you fear! and you remember.. “don’t move, they can see movement!” But fuck, that was a movie!

So I made my way to the cage and opened the main door, This whole time he is edging his way to me.. Beak onto bars, swing feet, feet onto bars, swing head.. repeat. Ever closer he comes.. leaving me only seconds to get the door open and remove my hands before I lose them or he takes a shot at my neck or eyes. I get the door open and sneak some dried bread into his food dish and wait. He sees the bread and is distracted with the hatred the bread gives him and swoops into the cage to destroy it.

I close the cage door on him fast, insert the water bowl and lock down that door. Rooster has already tore the bread a new one by now and his anger is refocused on me and I still have to do his food dish!!

I fill his food dish without incident, and place some large nuts in it of various kinds. He goes for the food right away, its angered him! CRUNCH! CRACK there goes a huge ball size nut in one take, its tiny pieces falling about his massive jaws.

“I’m alive!” I scream at the bird, “you didn’t get my nuts!” and you didn’t shit on me.

Score one for the good guys.. lets see how day two goes!


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