I never saw myself like this, I had removed eating alone from my vocabulary. Sitting here, feels alien, feels unnatural and unfamiliar. The laughter our table would have had, is now silenced, but I can’t forget the sounds, every time I blink they rush into me.
I keep looking across from me, hearing a little voice and thinking its you or the children. Snickers. giggles and everything you said in your eyes. Every time, it’s like a red hot piece of metal through my heart. Blistering and unbearable because I know you’re not there.
There was a monster inside me, I can see that now. Though I see now that I can control it, that I need to control it. It used to want to ruin me, my happiness. It was drawn from some seed of unhappiness , I thought I needed. When I looked at myself I couldn’t see any true friends around me. I thought I had lost them, misplaced them. I felt like I was broken and shattered and unable.
A shadow was over my shoulder. Doubt sometimes filled me
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. I don’t have time for monsters any more. I only need time with you. I have your love, the kids to feed my heart. I just want more now. I want to fill my soul.
I while ago I heard a man speak, and he said that we should try to be men. Men that are worthy, men that can know God and be Godly men. I didn’t know the man, I didn’t think I could be like him. I can hear him. Now, in my head reminding me how easily and how much we can hurt if we are not one of those men. I want to be a Man, who you are proud of. That our children are proud of.
I’ve faltered at that. I can see and feel that and I live with that now. It hurts me so deep, that when I even think it, it hurts like a hand has gripped my heart and holds it, tight. I don’t want to fail at it any longer, I can’t afford to fail at it. I’m still afraid that I may take missteps, that I’ll hurt you, but I can’t fall again, I can’t fail you again. I can’t let those I love down again.
I missed myself, but most of all, right now I miss you and the children and the love you allow me every day. You’d hate me now I know, barely able to hold myself in one place or together. But I’m rebuilding and healing. In my heart, I’m using all the love you, Matt, and Catie have ever given for the foundation and the bricks, and I feel stronger and I will not be fractured any longer.