Journal Entry #2

 

3.13.Y2k

Picture just saying good bye to some one who was going to be a friend..

Hello, it is not often that one gets to reflect on one own self in clarity. When reading these words place yourself in a somber mood, picture gray clouds or fog covered fields. For on the day before I have put these thoughts down I ended a short, sweet but bitter friendship. It is often hard to ask friends of family to describe yourself, even harder still to seek that knowledge from within. I often find myself pondering such questions just prior to when I fall into sleep or when something has changed in my life. I like to see myself as maybe some one born to late, for I tend to think that I lead a decent life. Of course there are times when I’ve lost myself to the safe consumption of spirits amongst friends or alone that I have lost a certain control. But that happens very rarely and my behavior is not in the least unforgivable or in any terms evil. But back to my origins before I ramble.

I was saying I like to think myself born to late. I see myself in what most would say children’s eyes. Perhaps perched upon a noble stead in brilliant silver and gold armor doing noble deeds or following the duty and honor of Bushido the rigid code of the Samurai. But all that thinking will get me no where in my tale. For I know that those times are behind me and I must seek my place in the here and now. I think of myself as a tempered man, never quick off the handle. Never angered by what would drive most insane. I would like to think myself a gentle man, never being the first to raise a fist or to lay hands on someone or thing. I like to think of myself as noble at heart, opening doors for stranger and friend alike. I like to think that I have honor, for I’ve never treated family or friend in a bad way intentionally. I’ve gone out of my way to help when not asked, to pitch in when needed and not ask for help myself if the burden be to great.

I may jest at times with family and friends or poke fun at things but never have I done so in malice. I also think of myself as an idiot at times when I hold others up to my own inner beliefs and standards. And I guess it saddens me when people say things or do things I would never do to them. It’s hard to think about yourself sometimes. Hard to place yourself along the path that is your life. The only thing that I guess I refuse to learn is to not treat everyone as equals. Now I’m not saying equals in any sense of the terms but equals in how I feel I live my life. I have such high hopes for people and find myself shattered and lost in thought when that image, that hope is broken. For on the day before I write this I heard from the lips and heart of a friend what a burden I was to be a friend. That is not something you take lightly or in jest no matter the time of day or mood. Words like that do not come with out the weight of conflict or hatred, things I myself can not find the heart to do.

For I wish this friend no ill will and no hatred. Though I wish this friend no malice or injustice. For I wish this friend nothing at all except a safe journey down their own path, for ours no longer cross and but are a memory I neither wish to forget nor remember. And now I find myself along a new path, maybe a worn path or a new one it’s hard to tell most of the time and only long days of journey will tell me. And now I find myself spent by the thinking, the thoughts that speed thru my mind even now as I seek closure. I find it hard sometimes to describe yourself but I have learned this. At times we are all what we hate, all whatwe dislike. It’s only how many times we allow ourselves to get this way that make us human or animal, good or evil, sad or happy, alone or together……

 Posted by at 8:56 pm